So it has come to this: me poking logic holes in my children’s bedtime stories. Specifically, my problem lies with Margaret Wise Brown and her Friendly Tales. In Mister Dog, we are introduced to the lovably independent Crispin’s Crispian, the dog who belongs to himself.

Midway through the story, Crispian meets a friend. While familiarizing this new friend with his home, Crispian points out the place for his bed, pillow and leash. Now why in the hell would a dog belonging to himself own a leash, Margaret? He’s already made it clear that he doesn’t like the idea of animals being the property of others, so it can’t be for him to walk another dog. Just what is going on here?

And while we’re at it, where the hell did Scuppers get those bricks for his chimney, and why didn’t he build the entire house out of bricks instead of that dried-out, brittle driftwood? Just what are you trying to pull?

One last thing before I go, Margaret: That “quiet old lady whispering hush” is no lady. It’s a rabbit in a dress—anyone can see that. You’ve got a lot of nerve.